Sunday, July 20, 2008

Contentment

Rarely, do I ever get the feeling of absolute contentment. But now I have and suddenly feel the urge to blog about it. But I shan't attempt to explain it with words. Tracy Chapman's "Happy" is one of my favourite songs of all time along with Meshell Ndegeocello's "beautiful" and "liliquoi moon." "Happy" describes my exact sentiments at this time and was a source of inspiration a year ago for a poem I wrote called 'queen of song'. I shall let you experience it for yourself if you haven't already. Enjoy!



Queen of Song

How you intoxicate me with your song
I am lost in the depths of
Your perfectly-composed melody
Your words lift me so high above
I lose all sense of myself
Your whispers carry me effortlessly
Through the night
I cannot think, I cannot speak
No words to describe your divine voice
Queen of Song let me drown
In your unruffled sea of sacred rhythms

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Still, I am here

I feel tired. So tired. But this is a different kind. Not the type of tiredness that can be overcome by a night of sleep or a couple cups of coffee. Nor one that can be cured with a simple vacation to the tropics. No. This is another profound tiredness. One which I have felt only rarely in the past. But which of late, has permeated itself through every single vein in my body and which has settled itself into every single nerve ending. I feel it in my bones and limbs as I walk, I feel it in my words when I speak, I feel it in my soul, so heavy. I feel it everywhere. It has become like a looming shadow waiting in the background for the opportune moment to prance on its prey. It leaves no body part untouched and feeds off the insanity that goes on around me and inside me. Slowly and silently, it chokes and stifles the voice within. They fight to death. They fight to death. They fight to death. Yet, I am here. Somehow, I am still here.

Monday, July 14, 2008

blog name change


hey, it's me and I'm back! (wow! two posts in one night!) Only, because I found earlier today that there is someone else out there with the same blog name - "Akili Ni Mali" - who in fact is now in my favourite blogs sections - and now I must throw in the towel and change the name of my blog. I assure you however it is only the name which is going to change. The content will still remain the same. So after a long tiresome perusal and search of different names, I have decided to go with the name "Nervous Conditions" Please note however that the name is not originally mine. A while ago, I was lucky enough to read an awesome book by Tsitsi Dangarembga called "Nervous Conditions" which I am guessing she borrows from Fanon's "The Wretched of the Earth." In his work, Fanon says "The condition of the native is a nervous condition" and in her book, Dangarembga explores the psyche of the colonized in a post-colonial setting in Zimbabwe through two teenage girls - Nyasha and Tambu - one of whom has been abroad and the other not. I thought it was an amazing book which was very well written! I saw myself so well-represented in both of those characters and I think she does the story justice. I am really looking forward to reading the sequel which is currently on my summer reading list. Because of this, I have decided to go with this name because it represents me, what this blog is about and any other colonized persons who feel their condition is a "nervous condition." It represents daily struggles, thoughts, the outcomes of a colonized mentality and a process of resistance which for me is mostly in writing and through which I am able to gain a true consciousness of my identity.

leaving on a jet plane

aahhh it's almost time to go and there is still so much to do! Thankfully, the huge tasks are mostly out of the way. I have been blessed enough to go to Guadalajara for a five week exchange program to learn art and politics in contemporary Mexico! And I am SO excited and thankful! Still, while trying to mind my own business and run the many errands I have, Toronto never fails to remind me why I am so eager to get away for a couple of weeks. As if being followed (literally) wasn't scary enough, some woman on the streetcar decides to cut her eyes at me as if I had stolen her grandmother! Seriously! What is up with that? What is up with people thinking they can just show you attitude like they are at their mother's houses? What happened to manners and being polite?

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Dr. Miracle? Really?

"Every Black woman in America lives her life somewhere along a wide curve of ancient and unexpressed angers.
My Black woman’s anger is a molten pond at the core of me, my most fiercely guarded secret. I know how much of my life as powerful feeling woman is laced through the net of rage. It is an electric thread woven into every emotional tapestry upon which I set the essentials of my life—a boiling hot spring likely to erupt at any point, leaping out of my consciousness like a fire on the landscape. How to train that anger with accuracy rather than deny it has been one of the major tasks of my life."

-Audre Lorde

These words ring true for me today and every single day of my life! Thank you Audre Lorde! Although in this post, I am not going to rant about the rude man at the Mexican consulate, or the condescending attitude from the bank teller or the white woman at Tim Hortons who thought it was alright to take my order without asking. No. What is and has been most with me the last couple of weeks has been the extremely offensive, racist, sexist advertisement 'Dr. Miracle' that for whatever reason, is still being given airtime! If you have not already seen it, please watch it before you read any further, so you can understand what I am talking about. (I've attached it below)



Perhaps you might think this a follow up to my last blog and in some ways it is. I recently just wrote a paper on the violence and internalized racism that is involved with black women's hair. Why is everybody so obsessed with black women's hair and making it straight??? Just let us be!!! Ugh! This advertisement was already offensive enough until someone thankfully pointed out to me the "even on hair like yours" line. I mean, could it get any worse? Apparently, yes.



Implying that black women's hair can only be 'cured' with a miracle that involves the process of making it straight! Thankfully there are some people engaged in similar struggles like mine. The spoof for the ad was the best part of my day!



However, going back to the subject of anger I came across this profound message by Dr. Renita J. Weems that every person dealing with anger should know.

"It takes time to figure out that anger is a gift from God. Anger helps you set boundaries for yourself. Anger helps you speak up and say when enough is enough. Anger is supposed to make you want to do something about the wrong all around you.
It’s taken years for me to accept the fact that I’m one of those women who feels deeply. Which is both a blessing and a curse. It takes time to learn how to train one’s anger, to aim it at the right target, and to keep the collateral damage to a minimum. Perhaps that’s what the Bible means when it says, “Be angry, but sin not.” Aim with precision." (Dr. Renita J. Weems)

first post: random thoughts

1. Thank you for visiting my blog. Please stay tuned! More interesting and thought-provoking posts to come!

2. "Akili ni Mali" is an old Kiswahili saying that means "knowledge is wealth" and I truly believe that the only way change in this world and true spiritual, mental and emotional wealth can come about is through learning our erased histories, unlearning, and through the decolonization of our minds.

3. Mia Michaels is a true walking genius! How many of those have you been honoured to witness? (I've just been watching SYTYCD) She really is insane!!!! (meaning good) If you want proof, just watch any of her routines.

4. Yes, I just used the British spelling on the word 'honoured' and will continue to use British spelling because that is what I am used to since the British decided it was alright for them to come and steal our land and our people and teach us this foreign language.

5. The name 'Judy' is dead. Please refrain from using that name. If you call me Judy and I know you know I changed my name, I simply will not respond.

6. I just wrote a paper on hair. Here is a profound and interesting quote I found while researching for the paper that I think is worth posting.

"Two psychiatrists argue that the process of grooming hair is not only painfully for black girls, but the end result is that black female children look simply acceptable rather than beautiful. One of the Grier and Cobbs’s conclusions is that girls receive the message that their hair in its natural state is undesirable; otherwise they would not have to endure the pain of getting their hair straightened. The psychiatrists also discuss the differences of hair grooming processes between African American and white women. For example, even if white women endure pain while grooming their hair, the result is that their beauty is enhanced – a beauty, the authors argue, that is already celebrated even before they enter the hair salon. In black women, on the other hand, not only are their features uncelebrated, but they must also submit to the humiliating pressing comb to be deemed presentable." (Banks, 2000)